Let's be real for a bit. Many ideal homeschooling routines on the internet seem like they belong in a fairy tale. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and, to be transparent, an introduction to feeling like we're constantly falling short for women with ADHD like us who strive for that "perfect" routine.
I used to feel that everything would fall into place if I could just find the perfect strategy. But let me tell a story to you about an incredibly tough day that, to my surprise, showed a lot about what was important most in our homeschool.
The Day I Walked Out
It was a regular day and I had a great start with meditation and journaling. I felt a little off, but brushed it off. I had everything laid out, feeling optimistic about the day ahead. As I sat down to dive in, I started to feel that creeping sense of overwhelm. I met with my niece because she hadn’t asked any questions about the work and I saw that there were missing assignments.
How?
You are homeschooled and I am at your disposal each and every moment of the school day. There is no reason to have missing assignments and not follow directions.
I began to get annoyed really easily and felt as if I was treated wrong because of the time that I put into creating each assignment to cater to her needs and learning style.
As I visited each missing assignment and reviewed assignments that directions were not followed on, my brain was racing with a to-do list that I couldn’t even begin to tackle.
As I asked her for the work that she swore was in her notebook, but nothing was in their except for the directions that she had written down. Before I knew it, I was in the crisis of a full ADHD meltdown—what many of us know all too well as “emotional dysregulation.”
I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, and knew if I stayed, I’d be frustrated with myself and my children. So, I did what I needed to do. I walked out.
I yelled and fussed to where it was almost an out-of-body experience.
I was pissed to the highest of pissivity, but why?
Was it that serious, really?
YES!!! I wanted to leave the room, but instead went outside to get air. My husband came out with me to tell me to calm down.
Those words were like pouring lighter fluid on charcoal and lighting a match.
“YOU CALM DOWN,” I screamed.
Photo by Yulia Kosareva on Unsplash
I went in the house, got my purse around my shoulder, picked up my laptop, then put it back down. I was so upset and couldn’t regulate my emotions if I tried.
I was so angry that I knew I couldn’t drive so I walked. I walked and walked. I caught the city bus and rode to the mall.
I then caught the bus to go downtown and when I got off to get a free, yearly bus pass for myself and my niece, I finally eased my mind.
I walked downtown and enjoyed the environment. I actually had a gift card for my favorite vegan restaurant, sat in there and ate a new meal that I had never tried.
I took myself out to eat.
This is what I needed—a different environment.
Return and the Realization
I almost expected chaos when I returned. My son had been working on several of his schoolwork assignments without my help, which shocked me. My husband took over and helped him, even though he didn’t know exactly what he needed to work on. I have everything lined out a week or two in advance.
Thank God that our son was actually ok and wasn't shaken up by Mommy’s meltdown.
After regrouping, we went on with normal life and carried on with our day.
As if nothing had happened, we continued our life exactly where we left off the next day.
The truth is, when I took a break to refuel, nothing ended. Not only did I save a whole year of education, but my child didn't even seem to mind that I had to take a lengthy break on one day. That served as a wake-up call.
He was absolutely cooperative with no tears, as if he knew that Mommy needed that break.
All that tension I had been putting on myself? He was not benefiting from it. I wasn't getting any kind of help from it.
In actuality, it wasn't needed at all.
What is ADHD Emotional Dysregulation to Me?
Emotional dysregulation can be like a silent beast on the surface for those of us with ADHD. You're feeling as though you're on the verge of a tidal surge of emotions that could overrun your entire system; it's not just a "bad mood" or "losing patience." All the sounds, all the worries, all the tasks whirling together till it's hard to even know where to begin—it's like having all the knobs turned up and down while lights are flickering.
To top it all off, we are managing homeschool, lesson plans, schedules for everyone in the house, and expectations that we set very highly for ourselves. The ADHD mommy will make a rough day look like a hiccup. We are truly superwomen and supermen, but sometimes life and homeschooling with ADHD feel like a hurricane with a tornado and a windstorm, topped with a tsunami full on.
Luckily, we don’t have to have the “perfect” homeschool day. I choose to and hope others will allow for breaks, pauses and mental resets as they need it. This is an advantage of having flexibility for our homeschool.
Letting Go of Perfect and Finding Strength in my Kiddos
After that treacherous day, I made the decision to abandon the "perfect" homeschool schedule. I would say that I was not going to be on a schedule and find myself on a schedule with a lot of overwhelm.
Now, I have been starting at a specific time and when we are done, we are done. I, actually, now for the last time this semester, created a “free” schedule. For my son, we will do 15-20 minute assignments based on his attention span. I write a checklist for him each day and he loves to get his little green crayon to check each box off when he is done.
This has been so beneficial for my son, niece, and myself. My niece starts at 9:45am and has assignments given 1-2 weeks in advance. If there is something new, I will go over it for 30 minutes for her to ask questions and have discussion.
In reality, my son deserves a mother who can be there for him without becoming overwhelmed by stress, as does my niece; they don’t need me to fulfill every requirement on a regular basis and it’s ok. On certain days, I have to allow myself to take a step back and regroup. What do you know? It's alright.
Some days, that means giving myself permission to step back and re-center. And you know what?
That’s ok!
Children are very resilient, more than we know. We, as parents and guardians, underestimate their flexibility. If we need to take an “adult time out,“ they will be there with us.
Honestly, we are teaching them one of the most important lessons in life: the importance of taking care of ourselves, respecting our boundaries, and how to find balance in the midst of chaos.
5 Practical Tips for Embracing the Imperfect Homeschool
I’ve found this helpful and will utilize these daily, maybe multiple times during the day:
1. Give Yourself Grace
ADHD or not, every mom and/or dad has rough days. This is just a part of the amazing superpower called “parenthood.” By giving ourselves grace, we teach our children that it’s okay to be human.
2. Allow Flexibility in the Routine
Not every day has to look the same. Somedays will be somewhat normalized and other days will be free flowing. The goal is for the students to learn and be educated, not in uniform formation.
3. Prioritize Breaks
This says it all in a nutshell. Take time to reset and recharge; however you have to do it and for how long you need. Touch grass, listen to music, or take a way—whatever brings you back to yourself.
4. Involve Your Children
Explain that some days are "different," and that’s okay. The children will adapt, and actually so far, they are understanding that life doesn’t follow a strict routine.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Tell yourself that you’re doing your best and that your mind is unique. Progress, not perfection, is what makes a successful homeschool experience.
Final Thoughts
Therefore, let go of that idea that everything must be "perfect." No single routine will work for everybody, and there is no one ideal strategy for homeschool. Emotional dysregulation, ADHD, and "imperfect" days are all a part of your direction, not a burden.
Always know that your best is enough. You're doing an outstanding job. Your children will remember the love, tolerance, and courage you taught in them rather than the perfect routines.
Stay strong and keep going, ADHD moms and dads. We all have a special mind that gives us an extra superpower than just being a parent. We are parents that have the unique ADHD mind.
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